Relationships are work in progress
and why conversations about them are worth having more often
Last week
published a post on her Substack that was beautifully written, yet hard to read. It was written by and it talked movingly, but with an honest brutality, about dissolution of her 21 year old marriage . If you are married or are in a long-term relationship, I invite you to read it too, as I am sure you will find a relatable thread in it, irrespective of the state of your own relationship with spouse or partner. I felt deep sadness reading Lisa’s words, because sometimes you both can achieve great career success, build a family, raise a child, have financial security - but none of it can glue the rapidly expanding cracks caused by frustrations & make two people jointly whole again. Reading Lisa’s post also made me think of a dissolution of friends marriage a few years ago, which took me by complete surprise and I still wonder about “why” and “if” in my mind when I see them, albeit, sadly, separately. They seemed well suited, achieved much together and appeared joyfully happy - and then, when life seemed so steady, some tricky life hurdles have been successfully mounted by them together, at least to the observers outside, they separated and then divorced.Also last week, I purchased a book and started reading it, not knowing that it will bear relevance to this topic, but before I tell you more about it, let me tell you about
who published a post yesterday, titled “Trails through trees: a lifetime practice of acceptance”. This caught my attention by the familiarity of what Elena was talking about: “This week’s piece speaks to the commitment we keep making, to stick together no matter what the world tosses in our laps, to always close the door of the bathroom, to uphold a sense of mystery every chance we get. To bear witness to one another’s evolution, to savour our foibles in the mundane moments, to care deeply about one another’s choices.”We enter a relationship full of vigour and desire to immerse ourselves in a relationship with another human. If relationship stays the course, we become familiar with each other, let things slide, start doing things in front of one another that in early days were left unseen. We flirt, show our best sides, make an effort to ruffle our plumage in the beginning, yet after years of living together many reach the point of ‘why bother’. That can often be the last straw for a dwindling relationship - as we evolve and change as individuals, so does our relationship with each other. And that brings me to the book that I have been reading…
You might already be familiar with the beautiful writing of Andre Aciman, if you watched the movie “Call Me By Your Name” directed by Luca Guadagnino ( his newest movie, “Challengers”, a tennis & love triangle with Zendaya, Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist premiers this month ). A New York Times best-selling author’s book cover caught my eye in Waterstones last week and since then I have been immersed in it. It’s a small book - 169 pages and a small format, easily placed in your hands or to accompany you on a journey where you can lose yourself in a book - about a group of friends who become unintentionally marooned at a luxury hotel on Amalfi coast, where they meet a mysterious fellow hotel guest, who turns their summer holiday into something they never expected it to be. First this caught my eye:
Then this…
Followed by this…
Noone prepares us for the complexity of the world that we will face daily as adults. Or heartbreak and frustration we will experience in personal and professional relationships. People will let us down, our own shortcomings will emerge, we will stagger, fall and get up again, to continue the journey that is life. Does anyone really explain or prepare us for the enormity of change that parenthood will place on our shoulders forever? I wonder how many parents, if they knew what parenthood and raising a new human being will entail, would still choose to become parents. Do mothers tell their daughters what it really is like to go through natural childbirth? Or give advice on how to handle a partner, who thinks its beyond him to change a nappy or get up with a baby at night - more common than you think, but I admire men who support their wives or partners and bond closely with their children during nighttime changes and feeds, irrespective of how important their own day job is.
Divorce wasn’t common during the lifetime of our grandparents and was openly frowned on, leaving women often austrasied & labelled a 'divorcee’ with disdain - as if a relationship’s failure can only be placed at the feet of a woman, their fault of course, with a man having done nothing wrong. Things changed gradually with the generation of our parents. Nowadays I know of many people, who have left their first marriages behind for various reasons and some of them found lasting love in another relationship, forming a new, big, blended family. Not all are lucky to experience true love in their lifetime, while some people actually appreciate solitude and lack of commitment and have no desire to have children, rather enjoying themselves without the mini-me. It’s brave and wonderful to be able to choose for yourself what exactly you want when it comes to personal and intimate relationship and then let the others and the world know that this is your choice and you are happy with it - and if others can’t accept your choices, than it’s best to part ways peacefully, your head and inner peace held intact. There is only one life and everyone has the right to live theirs in a way that makes them happy and fulfilled, without judgement from others.
“Brave people are afraid; they just don’t let fear stop them.”
I also wonder how the institution of marriage will change during modern times, when young people have both financial pressures that seem to be magnifying and the cost of owning a property pricing most of them out of the property ladder for years, if not decades to come. Some no longer want to commit to buying a property and prefer to rent. Young adults living with their parents of course has benefits for both sides, but it also has drawbacks. How prepared for lasting relationships young adults are nowadays, with so much focus on “ME”, will they invest time and effort in a romantic relationship? It’s not uncommon for me to overhear conversations between younger women who say they want a relationship, but are not prepared to adjust their lifestyle - beauty appointments, girlfriend getaways or nights out - to accommodate a new partner. Listening to that makes me smile, as any relationship needs time and effort, abundant watering & mutual compromise without which it will wilt and die.
How do we prepare the children and teens to become a good partner to another human in due course ? Are we good partners to impart our wisdom on children at all, in order for them hopefully not to repeat our mistakes, but certainly make multiple ones of their own, because they are not us, even though they certainly look up to us when they are little. The mind bubbles with questions, answers and possibilities….
Words above are by Pema Chodron from the book “When Things Fall Apart”
Perfection doesn’t exist, but we all love love because it changes us for the better. Love on equal footing, when we can be ourselves, but also extend the same courtesy to our loved one, with no strings attached. Marriages are hard work, there is no doubt about that, but when I look at some long-lasting marriages of the people that I know, I can’t help but smile and save a prayer that not all marriages fail and those ones that do last through the decades are not a fluke, but a result of serendipity, recognising someone special for you in a crowded room and finding ebb and flow to make things work for the both of you. And if a marriage comes apart - to admit that its run its course is to be brave, rather than to feel that you failed. It’s somewhat easier when children are not involved, but if they are, I wish more people could find it in their heart not to stay together just for the sake of the children, if nothing else binds them closely, but also not to go bombastic on each other, putting children in a position when they have to choose a side. I know that life is not straight-forward, nor simple, but our own grievances and frustrations have nothing to do with the children, and everything to do with ourselves and partner dynamic.
“When marrying, ask yourself: do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else is transitory” Frederich Nietzsche
I might come across as both naive and romantic, but I think being able to love is a gift. To be loved in return is a gift too. And whether love is temporary or goes the distance, may we never loose our inner compass or mold ourselves into an alien creature in order to make another person happy - it’s never worth losing your core over anyone. I also hope and wish that the world becomes more abundant with the love of human beings for each other. If pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we all need to be loved, hugged and closely connected to those we love, after all this is an integral part of human nature and what separates us from robots.
Relationships are hard!
I don't believe in failed marriages or subscribe to the idea that relationships have to last a lifetime to be considered a 'success'. There is nothing to forgive! We meet people to learn, grow and have experiences and we do that through relationships. Can you celebrate that, and what, you loved? What you learned? Can you get to know yourself better?
Andrew Marshall @themeaningfullife writes about the different stages of love (from crazy love / limerance, to mature love / loving attachment and what feeds that attachment) to loving regard (the kind of affection we feel for parents, children, friends) in his latest newsletter. Worth tuning into.
I share your observations about younger generations and relationships. Jonathan Haidt dives into that in his new book The Anxious Generation.
Oh my goodness, I listened to A Gentleman from Peru a few years ago in Audible, quite by accident and fell in love with the author.
This was quite a timely post. Thank you!